So Nic Cage is a bank robber sprung, naked except for a sumo-nappy, from a lengthy stint in jail by the white-hatted, black-hearted Governor (Bill Moseley) of a fake Japanese cowboy town populated exclusively by caged Geisha prostitutes, one of the favorites of whom, Bernice (Sofia Boutella, being bafflingly good again despite the material) recently escaped, so The Governor straps Cage into a leather suit rigged with explosives on the arms, neck and testicles that are primed to explode if they detect his intention to physically harm – or get turned on by – “a helpless woman,” and sends him off into a neighboring irradiated wasteland where Time doesn’t work properly and which is populated by Mad Max-style bandits, itinerant preachers, downtrodden desperadoes, filthy-faced ragamuffin children and people who have been rendered mute and partially encased in fragments of mannequin bodies, with three days to locate Bernice and five to bring her back before his suit, to which the Governor carries the key on a chain around his neck, explodes and kills him, (I know you’re absolutely longing for a period by now; imagine how it feels to watch this thing), a deal to which Cage tacitly agrees – what choice has he?
