The Great Nigerian Relationship Shutdown
Emeka had always thought he and Bimpe were in a loving relationship—until one fateful day when she uttered the words that would change everything:
“Babe, I don’t know why you’re forming like you don’t understand. You have to be sending me money monthly. You’re enjoying this thing, abi? No allowance, no sex.”
Emeka blinked twice, thinking maybe he had misheard. “Wait, so you’re saying I have to pay a monthly subscription for something that was previously free?”
Bimpe rolled her eyes. “Free? Who told you it was free? Do you know how much skincare costs? Do you know how much a wig costs? You think good girlfriends just appear like magic? No, dear. You must support me financially. No allowance, no sex.”
Emeka sat back, deep in thought. This was a test, he concluded. Bimpe was challenging him to prove his love. But then again, it was also an opportunity—an opportunity to prove that he, Emeka Ejiofor, was not a man who could be emotionally blackmailed.
And so, he made a decision. “Fine,” he said, standing up dramatically. “No allowance, no sex, abi? No problem. No sex, no allowance!”
Bimpe gasped. “Ehn?”
“Yes! If sex is a paid service, and I’m the customer, then I have the right to cancel my subscription. And guess what? No more direct debits either. No sex, no allowance!”
Silence.
Then, war.
For weeks, their relationship turned into a painful hostage negotiation. Bimpe would wear her tightest dresses and walk past Emeka, expecting him to crumble. He stood firm, pretending to read newspapers he never bought.
Emeka, in turn, started spending his money on suya and new sneakers instead of sending it to Bimpe. She noticed.
“Emeka, you have money to be eating peppered turkey, but you don’t have money for my hair?”
“Ah! This is my own allowance. My own self-care. You said no allowance, no sex. I said no sex, no allowance. Balance!”
By the third month, it became clear—Emeka just wanted the sex, and Bimpe just wanted the money. It was a match made in capitalism, not in heaven.
So, they broke up.
A week later, Emeka saw Bimpe on Instagram, posting about her new man, captioned “God when?” Meanwhile, he was out celebrating with his guys, announcing, “Omo, I am free! No more financial oppression!”
Moral of the story: If you treat love like a business, don’t be surprised when the contract gets terminated.
